If you don’t have your doctorate,
you haven’t done enough.
But you have wasted enough
of your time and my money.
Tell me how you really feel.
I’ve accomplished nothing!
I’ve learned a lot here at Coolidge.
Let the record show that… ,when I attended class… I did receive exemplary marks.
However, it was only when I met a special someone… that I realized what I was doing-
See, after this is real life, and I wasn’t ready for that.
I don’t know why exactly. I do know that I don’t wanna end up like my father…
whose whole life revolves around work.
But I see that now.And I’m ready to move on.
– Thank you.
– For four years,I have been grooming myself for the real world.
I, like many, define the real world as stuff that happens after graduation. But I was wrong. It took a man by the name of Van Wilder to teach me that.
You’ve all undoubtedly been to one of Van’s parties.He’s probably touched your life in some way, whether you know it or not.
Watch Van do belly flops into a pool… but make sure you see he’s raised to give the swim team a next season. As you’re all aware, Van was almost expelled. What you probably don’t know is that he was set up by a pathetic, egomaniacal frat boy one who this reporter knows firsthand to have a serious problem with premature ejaculation.
And in reaction to this lynching Van put in more effort in six days than most have all semester.
Win or lose, we should thank him for reminding us what we’re all capable of.
That’s simply what he does– he inspires the uninspired.